family

Trust Lost

Posted on by Jinx

Depression has been weighing on me heavily lately in the form of poor motivation, quick to anger, easily irritated and unable to let go of this feeling of worthlessness.

My father is back in the hospital with an infection. Due to the severity of his condition he has to undergo 3 weeks of antibiotic treatment that is administered through the dialysis port. Other than being stuck at the hospital he seems to be doing ok and he does not appear weakened by this recent episode.

During this time I’ve discussed my concerns with his living environment. The house he and his girlfriend live in is a big two story with steps leading to almost every room in the house. They have created various methods to help him maneuver the steps e.g. a strategically place table for him to lean on, but as his body weakens I hate that he has to rely on arm strength that is also fading. His girlfriend has been adamant that she loves that house and doesn’t want to leave it. She constantly tells me that my dad is stronger than he is. I said if that were the case they shouldn’t need to call my boyfriend to help my dad get to the car. She said my dad was just being a “chicken” and he could walk down the required step if he just got over his fear of falling.

Rather than inappropriately rip her head off like I so desperately wanted to, I talked with my father alone and expressed my concerns. I told him that he shouldn’t have to have any fears when walking around his own home. There should be no dangers or obstacles around him as clearly his life is obstacle enough. Surprisingly he agreed with me. He agreed to talk with his GF and even contemplated moving into an assisted living by himself if necessary.

The next day he said that his GF relented since “he” wanted to move and she would start looking for a one story home to rent. She does not want to sell their current home. She is a bit of a hoarder and wants to keep all of her crap somewhere. Fine, great, she can do what she wants just as long as he is safe. I asked what they wanted to do with the house while they were not living in it. He said they were going to do nothing; they don’t have the time or energy to think about that. I suggested they rent it to me and my BF. My father responded, “We don’t want to rent it out because we don’t know what condition it will be kept in.” I stated, “I’m not talking about renting to strangers, I’m talking about my BF and I.” He said, “I know, I don’t know what kind of a house keeper you are. I don’t know what kind of condition you would leave it in.”

Those statements floored me. At that point I told him I had to leave. Too many things went through my head that I couldn’t even see strait. Honestly, I couldn’t care less if they rented it to us. I thought it would be a way for them to get some extra income and ensure their house was cared for. Instead my own father saw me as a liability. The hurt and humiliation was excruciating.

Once I got over the initial shock I called him and explained why I had left so abruptly.  I wanted him to understand I did NOT expect them to rent to us just because I’m his daughter and that is not why I was so upset.  I posed this question to him, “What have I done in life that has shown I’m unworthy of (his) trust?” I’ve never been arrested, on drugs, hell, I never even snuck out of the house as a teenager. In the few years I have been a renter (I had always owned my home) I received my cleaning deposit back when I moved and never had any issues with the landlord. I further expressed how hurtful it was to have my own father think so little of me that I would be so disrespectful of his property.

Then the hurt really flowed. I said, “You expect my BF to help you and your GF every single week, you rely on our help for numerous things around your home ranging from changing batteries to cleaning your pool. You expect me to donate a kidney on your behalf so you don’t have to wait as long on a donor list, and yet I’m not trusted with your home?!”

He apologized and said he regretted his words. I asked if he regretted saying them or regretted feeling them. He tried to explain that since he hasn’t seen where I live in years (due to his limited abilities) he doesn’t know how I live. I told him while that may be true he does know me and my character. I told him it saddened me that while most fathers think the best of their daughters he clearly thinks the worst of me. He continued to apologize.

I would like to say this has been the only hurtful thing my father has ever said to me. I would like to say it is the last. Neither statement is true.  I think it’s because I remind him too much of my mother, who broke his heart when they divorced. I look nothing like her, but our personalities are similar and he often tells me I’m just like her (though I know I’m not).  It doesn’t matter that he is with another woman whom he loves and is happy with. Perhaps I am a reminder of a past he would like to forget. I just don’t know.

I won’t cut him out of my life altogether, but I don’t plan on giving him the time and effort I was. I’m tired of him breaking my heart.

What do I need?

Posted on by Jinx

hawaii

Today I was asked, “What do you need?” I had just updated my mother with what is going on with my dad; I expressed my frustrations, fears and stress. She listened, provided her input and then asked me what I needed. I almost cried because what I need is not simple, nor is it just one thing. So after the flood of unrealistic desires went through my mind like I need my dad to be more cooperative, I need a new job, hell, I need new shoes I responded with, “I need a real vacation.” I haven’t had a true vacation away from home (aside from an occasional weekend away) in about 5 years. Funds are tight so any time away from work has consisted of day trips or watching TV all day in my PJs. No wonder I feel like a blob.

Her response to me was, “I will see what I can come up with.” I don’t know what this means and I don’t want to assume what she is thinking. Would it be wrong to hope for an all-expense paid vacation to Hawaii? Probably, but hey, at this point perhaps just the possibility will get me through the week. 🙂

Facebook You vs. Real You

Posted on by Jinx

facebook-vs-reality

For my friends and family I think Facebook has become a competition of who has the most #blessed life, #living the good life, #so much love. I get that we shouldn’t air all our dirty laundry to the world. Of course there are those people as well and I find them so much more entertaining. I’m talking about the ones that are constantly grateful, always blessed, and perpetually joyful. Ok, we get it, your life is awesome. At least that is what you want us all to believe.

When I first joined FB years ago, I made the mistake of comparing my life to those I “friended”. Damn, I had really done life wrong! Everyone else was accomplishing their goals, living their dream life, had the perfect spouse, a great job, and the most adorable children.

Then some people from work sent me friend requests and I realized the LIE! Their lives were not so pristine. I knew it because I saw them everyday, heard them complain about their looser spouse and out of control kids. But according to their FB pages they were #blessed. They would post pictures embracing the very spouse they “just know” is cheating on them. Hummmm. I was so caught up in my perceived failures that it never occurred to me people would exaggerate or out right lie to make themselves look good. I was so naive.

Even after learning the truth I still have to be careful not to fall back into the comparison game. Sure good things happen to people. Amazing trips are taken and fun can be had. But there is always a flip side. They are not going to share their “flip side” anymore than I’m going to share mine. #reality is what you make it

Hold On, Here Come The Holidays

Posted on by Jinx

Holidays and special occasions can be a really difficult time for people. Not just for those with mental health issues, or people that have suffered great loss, just everyday people. There is an expectation of happy that is assumed and almost down right demanded when it comes to these events. Because humans are not light switches it can be difficult to turn up the “happy” when it’s just not there. Some people become so immersed in the preparation they forget the entire purpose. Everything needs to be “just so” or it all falls apart.

When we think of stress we usually assume it is because of a negative thing. But even too much happy and excitement can be stressful. When I was growing up I would get so excited and worked up before Christmas I would end up getting sick. I would get so overwhelmed with emotions my body just couldn’t handle it. I would be miserable as I opened presents under the tree and I would be so unhappy that I couldn’t enjoy them.

I remember also being really sad when the holidays were over. It would be this enormous build up to an amazing gift and family filled event that would just end. This was never a gradual ending, gently lowered back to reality, it was a full on drop from the top. Christmas carols done, decorations put away, happy holiday wishes over. This was all traumatic in and of itself. I hated December 26th. I didn’t really consider New Year’s Eve a holiday until I was old enough to appreciate it.

As I got older I had to make a concerted effort to calm the hell down and appreciate each moment of the holiday season, not just the day. This helped me appreciate the other non-gift giving holidays like Thanksgiving and Halloween so much more.

What I still see and hear about are those that haven’t yet been able to take that step back and appreciate the holidays for what they are. I don’t know anyone that will admit they want to show off their amazing cooking skills or brag about their mind-blowing decorations. But dang, if people don’t freak out when their potatoes are not fluffy or all the blue lights go out on their ridiculously huge Christmas tree.

What are the holidays about anyway? Are they to spend time with family, are they to remind us to be grateful for what we have, are there religious reasons? Whatever meanings the holidays hold in our hearts, those seem to get lost in translation when put into action. Remember the Reasons for the Season. Yes, that is an overused saying typically for Christmas decorations, but I think it holds true for any belief system that celebrates a special occasion.

Perhaps we can remind ourselves and those we love that it doesn’t matter if everything is perfect. Even if we are not full of the joy and thanks the holidays dictate, that’s OK too. Perfect is the time together not the stuff around us. Come on world, let’s give ourselves a break!

Where Is Our Empathy?

Posted on by Jinx

Some of the things I hear people complaining, protesting and vehemently bitching about are really freedoms and rights we take for granted. I find it amusing when the loudest complainers did absolutely nothing to deserve these freedoms they just happened to be born to them. They go on and on about their civil liberties, their rights, and justice for all. But “all” is who they deem worthy. Clearly they are worthy, they were born properly. Everyone else be damned.

Then there are those that protest the rights of others simply because their lives are harder than most, or so they perceive. They may have been picked on for being different, they don’t make as much money as they would like to, they may have been racially profiled or misjudged by others. They don’t have the “American Dream” so screw the rest of the world. I’m not saying they haven’t struggled, but why are they so angry with everyone else? No, this isn’t specifically about immigration, this is about the numerous things I see people make snap judgments and proclamations about.

There is a great demonstration that was created to bring awareness to rape, assault, and gender violence called Walk a Mile in Her Shoes. I’ve seen pictures of men in the highest of heals walking that mile. It’s a literal and figurative statement that I find really beautiful. There are others that sleep on the streets to know what it’s like to be homeless and bring awareness to the struggles of our homeless population. Sure once the demonstrations are over, the men remove their shoes and put on their sensible loafers and the people return to their warm homes. But there are important statements made with these demos.

Would any of us choose to live in a country with no freedom, no rights, and constant war just to see what it’s like? Would we immerse ourselves in this culture so that we could fully protest their need to escape knowing the nightmares of tyranny and injustice they face on a daily basis?

Would any of us allow ourselves to be injected with heroin then get checked into rehab so that we can continue to call addicts weak? Would we still laugh at their struggles to stay clean and sober when our own bodies shake, sweat, become violently ill, and rebel against us?

Would any of us live with a person bigger, stronger, or more dominant than us that demeans and controls our every move so that we can continue to look down on those that live with domestic violence? Would we say “they asked for it” or “they probably deserved it” after we’ve been smacked for not preparing the meal just right? Would we run away, would we fight back, would we do all the things we say others should do when we have no money, no family, and no safety to run to?

There is this elusive emotion called empathy. It is the ability to put yourself in the other persons place to better understand what their struggles might be. It is with this emotion that makes the immersion process unnecessary. It allows us to see the barriers that others face so that we can create the resources and solutions to help them. Where has our empathy gone? There is so much judgment and self-riotousness in the news and I hate to say it even in my own extended family. We are no longer working on solutions or possibilities but we sure as hell will tell everyone when they are doing things wrong.

What Not to Say to Depressed People

Posted on by Jinx

Working in mental health as well as living with my own mental health condition, I witness all kinds of responses and reactions from family members and friends regarding their depressed loved one. Sometimes they mean well and other times they are just mean. Based on what I hear, it is often really difficult to tell the difference. In an effort to perpetuate the education and sensitivity of others I’m creating a little guide. I know these types of guides have been created before, but people are either not paying attention or they forget. Please print this out, pass it around, leave a copy at Starbucks or something! Perhaps we can start a movement of sensitivity and understanding. Not only are these phrases not helpful for people with depression, but they are not helpful for anyone that may be going through emotional turmoil such as grief, loss of a job, divorce etc.

Be grateful for what you’ve got, there are people who have it worse: Depression has absolutely nothing to do with not appreciating what you have. When the depression goggles go on, perspective takes a step back. By pointing out that anyone “should” feel a certain way just adds more guilt and shame to the already twisted emotions we already have. Sure, we could focus on the better things we have compared to say someone from a third world country, but does that make anyone feel good and happy? For some egotistical maniacs perhaps it does, for the rest of us, NO. This goes right along with…

It could always be worse: By golly you’re right. I’m so grateful my crap doesn’t have more crap on it I feel so much better, said no one EVER!

It is what it is: I hate this saying for a lot of reasons. For one, I think it’s over used and for another it’s usually used inappropriately. The only place this phrase works are in situations where it doesn’t really matter to you in the grand scheme of things e.g. You drive by a house and you don’t like the color. Someone says, “UGH, that is an ugly ass house”. You can then respond, “Well, it is what it is.” I think its original intent was to get people to stop trying to change things that they can’t, but the way I hear it being used they just sound like callus jerks. People that are experiencing a state of unhappiness or distress don’t want to hear this over used, useless saying. Let’s throw in “Don’t sweat the small stuff” as well!!

Cheer up, you are bringing me down: Then go away. If these words ever pass through your head don’t let them out, just let yourself out. We should also include “suck it up”. You suck so go away.

You need to get out more: Well if the weight of this misery wasn’t keeping me here planted firmly on the couch sure, I would be right out there with you.

If you ate this, took this vitamin or exercised more you would feel better: When it comes to physical health people suddenly become nutritionist and fitness gurus. They feel like they are in on a secret the rest of the world isn’t in on. Believe me, we have tried all these things at one point or another. They (for the most part) do not work. There is a reason they are called ‘FADS’.

Get out of your head, stop overthinking: Ok, I will do that if you can will your heart to stop beating. Stop needing oxygen to breath. Don’t think about purple elephants jumping on trampolines. Ya, not so easy is it?!

Get therapy, take meds: This isn’t necessarily a bad thing to recommend, but it’s how you bring it up. Often it’s the one with the least amount of knowledge regarding mental health that will say, “Just take a pill and get over it.” It may be that one person we wish would hear our words that says, “Go talk it out with a professional” or “shouldn’t you talk that over with your therapist instead.”

Depression can be frustrating not only for the person who is suffering but the loved ones around us, we know this. So often I hear people ask, “What can I do to help.” The easiest answer is, be there. Don’t go in thinking you are going to fix anything, most of the time you can’t. Just make your availability known, and don’t allow too much time to go by if they don’t make contact with you. Actions can speak louder than words.