My 99 Cent Christmas

An update to my tipsy post, In Need of Holiday Cheer, the 99 cent store decorations are up. Oh yes, it did happen! You can’t be too picky when it comes to last-minute 99 cent store shopping. It’s important to set your standards accordingly.

photo (3)

The only tree that fits in this place is this flat silhouette. Made for a window, I have it taped to the main livingroom wall, ’cause I do what I want damn it. Added the bows and ornaments to add some color and a little dimension. Sure the black fit my mood, but that wasn’t the point.

photo 1

I’m a sucker for stuffed animals. And who doesn’t love potatoes? Make it a potato shaped reindeer stuffed animal and I’m hooked!!

photo 2

Added sparkle with some of the only tinsel that wasn’t a tangled mess.

photo 3

And who doesn’t want a life-size nutcracker on their wall? He sees you when your sleeping, he gazes into your soul…hehehe

These were some of my favorite finds. Sure they may not be elegant, or even matching, but they provide that little punch of holiday cheer I was looking for. Ho Friggin Ho!!! 🙂

A Day in the Life…

It’s easy to be optimistic, cheerful and positive when life is being sweet and kind. It’s certainly easier to be up when things are going well. It’s the times when life isn’t so merry or the routine of daily living becomes mundane and stagnant that the mood starts to slip. Sometimes the decline can be so gradual it’s hardly noticed. At first there may be denial. You think, sure I’m a bit down but that’s normal considering the circumstances. You keep on plugging away, getting irritated a little more frequently (well that’s because they’re all idiots), feeling a bit achy (maybe it’s the flu), you want to sleep more (but who doesn’t when it’s cloudy and cold outside), you start getting behind at work (It’s just a day no big deal). Not until the muck of despair starts to stick and the stench of melancholy covers you do you finally look up and think, whoa, here I am again, sitting in the pit of depression.

Sometimes anger is easier to deal with than the overwhelming sadness. Fuck you depression, you worthless piece of shit! You have done nothing but make me feel worthless and hopeless, lazy, resentful, unmotivated and helpless. Then that anger starts to spread and nothing feels right. Is this relationship really what I want for the rest of my life? He just doesn’t get me and I don’t get him, maybe we are not compatible. This job is a total dead end. I do nothing worthwhile and I am learning nothing new. My co-workers are idiots. Why is there so much traffic?! I swear no one knows how to drive! Maybe I should just quit everything and leave!

Snippets of reality sneak in. Hey, you’re depressed; you know not to make any major decisions when you feel like this. You are with a great guy, he’s done nothing wrong. Your job is what keeps you from living on the streets. It’s not your dream job but it pays the bills. Where would you run to? You have nowhere to go. Do you want to live with your mom? Hell NO! Ok, then calm down freaky depressed self, here’s some mind numbing T.V. to distract you. And so you move on to face another day.

In Need of Holiday Cheer, Damn it!

chemcatbooze

It’s early morning (well 9:00 am is early for me on the weekend) and I’m drinking coffee with Baileys’ Vanilla Cinnamon. I would like to make a toast to cooler weather and the holiday season for giving me an excuse to drink alcohol so early in the day. 🙂

This year, due to my boyfriend loosing his job, I’m having a difficult time evoking the holiday cheer that I normally have. Pair that with the house we are staying in not having any space for a Christmas tree and I’m all but a full on Grinch (before his heart grew). I’m trying to do little things that may trigger some holiday happy. I bought an advent calendar to count down the days, I decorated my space at work, I’m drinking my holiday favorite Baileys’, sigh I really hate depression.

Ok, I’m going to beat this! Since funds are sparse I’m going to the 99 cent store and buy as many decorations as I can. We may not have a tree but damn it this piece of crap house is going to be festive!! hahaha Woohoo tipsy motivation!!!

Regret, A Useless Thing

Regret is a heavy and useless thing to carry around. At least with remorse there is a possibility of apology, or some kind reconciliation. To me regret, stems from a choice or choices made that in no way can be altered. The deed is done and the consequences must be lived with.

It’s all well and good for others to say, “Live life with no regrets” or “I regret nothing because my choices made me who I am today.” Good for them, hurray they can be proud of who they are and where they are in life.

Mentally I know regret is pointless, I tell myself nothing can be done and I need to move on. I’ve done mental exercises to alleviate regret in the hopes of seeing the silver lining that I’m sure is there somewhere. But 15+ years later I still cannot let it go.

I made stupid choices, I was carless, I can never make amends. That time was such an enormous turning point for me that I’ve no doubt I would be a different person had I just been smarter. Would I be happier, I don’t know. With clinical depression there’s just no telling. The problem is I use that time in my life to perpetuate the self-loathing I struggle with so often.  The unknown is always brighter than the reality.

There are people that I miss so much from that time long ago. But as time passes people change, who knows if they are at all the same.  Just looking at Facebook I can see the radical changes some people’s lives have taken. Would they still be a part of my life had I lived life differently?  I made up this silly poem as I remembered the past:

I miss the You of yesteryear

I miss the You of then not now

I miss the You of might have been

You are not the You I knew

Nor will you ever be again

And then it became:

I miss the Me of yesteryear

I miss the Me of then not now

I miss the Me of might have been

I am not the Me I knew

Nor will I ever be again

Then I cried.

Life In The Extreme

Some people are really good at making generalizations and exaggerations. Some have a natural flare for the dramatic. I think teenagers and some people with personality disorders are especially prone to doing this. I have a coworker that is constantly complaining of migraines. She is not on any prescription meds and she continues to work like nothing is wrong aside from the constant complaints. Having experienced migraines there is no way in hell I would be able to function without meds. And even then, I just want to sleep the pain away. Perhaps people believe if it’s not severe or to the extreme others won’t pay attention. I think most of us know when we are exaggerating while others I’m not so sure. For the latter (like my coworker) I find myself wanting to smack them and say:

Headaches are not necessarily migraines

Wanting things in order and neat doesn’t mean you have OCD

Feelings of sadness do not always mean you have depression

Changing your mind or feelings is not bi polar

Getting really angry does not make you “psycho”

One night of drunkenness does not make you an alcoholic

Using hand sanitizer doesn’t make you a “germ-a-phob”

Thinking you heard something but being mistaken does not make you schizophrenic

Not caring about something doesn’t make you a sociopath

Being sick does not mean you are dying

Nor does

Writing poetry make you deep

Reading a news article make you aware

Watching the news make you politically savvy

Reading books make you well read

Loaning money to someone make you generous

Having sex make you a whore

Cooking make you a chef

I’ve no doubt that when I was a teenager I made some of these statements, and I may still make the proclamation that I’m dying when I’m sick. I think being dramatic on occasion is normal and ok. But when it becomes a part of your everyday speech, your statements begin to lose their validity. For me it’s like “crying wolf”. Initially I may feel sympathy and try to help, but if every aspect of your life is glorified to the max, I will eventually tune you out.

Tough week

photo

Along with all the other fun things depression has to offer, I often struggle with distinguishing if I’m just mentally sick or physically sick as well. For me, my depression comes with its share of somatic symptoms such as stomach-aches, headaches, sore muscles and fatigue. This week was especially difficult as my physical symptoms seemed to be far worse than usual. Not flu or cold necessarily, those can be pretty obvious, but continuous stomach ailments and really sore muscles. So am I actually sick with something, or is my depression just trying to kill me? I can never tell which came first, was I depressed and that manifested into physical symptoms or am I sick and feeling depressed as a result of that? Ohhh depression, you sneaky little jerk.

As with any ailment, physical or mental, my motivation is shot. I missed a lot of work and fell behind in my duties. What sucks is that the stress of knowing that, creates more mental anguish, thereby exacerbating the physical issues. What a friggin mess! Just writing it out and reading the words, it’s absolutely ridiculous! The catch 22 of mental health issues is astounding. Should I bother going to the doctor? Even if it’s a virus there is nothing she can do. So, for now I will continue to “rest” and hope that it passes. BLAH this week 😛

Dear News, You Suck!

I hate the news. I don’t watch news shows and I try not to read the news articles that pop up when I’m searching for stuff on the internet. To me, instead of being a helpful, information filled platform, the news has become replete with negativity, slander, scare tactics, and celebrity gossip. If I were an alien from another planet and saw just today’s news I would think that the human race was vicious, murdering, pedophile, rapists and yes that includes an article about Bill friggin Cosby!

Perhaps it’s human nature to want to know such horrible things. To feel informed we need to know that others are suffering, doing illegal things and dying.  Some may argue that society shouldn’t turn a blind eye to these things, sighting that we need to know so we can change things for the better. Hahahahaha Right! Knowing that celebrities make stupid mistakes and do illegal things makes us so much better as a society. Knowing that some random person was brutally murdered in a country thousands of miles away helps you do what exactly? Be afraid and trust no one? Where are the “positive changes” this information is creating? I’m sure it’s there; maybe the media isn’t reporting it because it’s too darn positive.

Mental illness has made the news a lot within the last few years. There is no such thing as unbiased reporting. It’s a matter of what is considered “newsworthy.” No one wants to read that millions of people suffering from mental illness continue to lead productive, regular lives. NO, they want Amanda Bynes, reportedly a diagnosed schizophrenic, is off her meds and sleeping in a shopping mall. Brittany Spears was never more news worthy than when she was shaving her head before her diagnosis of bi polar disorder. I was heartbroken when I heard of Robin Williams’s suicide, a long time sufferer of bi polar and substance dependency. Once again, not positive information, and certainly not considered success stories of mental health.

These events show the devastation mental illness can cause. It brings light to the fact that mental break downs are not just limited to the “regular” people. The problem is that if society’s main source of information regarding mental health is just the media it’s no wonder people become fearful when they hear words like schizophrenia and bi polar disorder when linked to family or friends.

There is so much research, tons of evidence, and scientific studies that explain what mental health spectrums are: The differences between severe, moderate, and mild symptoms and functionality. There are numerous success stories and amazing accomplishments from those with mental illness. Do we see any of that in mainstream media, no. Sure the information is there somewhere, but only if you look really hard and genuinely want to learn about it.

Out of curiosity I did manage to find one semi positive article about mental health today, hidden within the yahoo news. The link is here:  https://www.yahoo.com/health/study-finds-1-in-5-americans-lives-with-a-mental-103153362632.html

At this point all I can do is continue to avoid and not support the vile crap that calls its self “news.” Perhaps one day society will take a step back and ask: what benefits are we really getting out of this skewed information? Are we better people for knowing it? Are we making positive changes as a result?

In the meantime, those of us with diagnosed mental illness will go ahead and continue to lead our boring non-newsworthy lives.