Infertility and Possibilities

I went to my follow-up appointment with the fertility specialist this week. It was not good news, it was not definitive bad news. It appears my ovaries aged about 3 years faster than my actual biological age. How the hell does that happen? Well, endometriosis could wear them out and cause damage. I’ve never been diagnosed, but apparently it’s possible to have it and not know it. There is no cure and the test is horribly invasive. The fact I’m part Asian may or may not be a factor. Studies have shown that Asian women tend to go through menopause much earlier than Caucasians and African-American women. Ok great. Basically what that means is fewer eggs are produced and the quality may be weaker which she says may explain why I had the miscarriage last year.

We reviewed all the choices, the outrageous costs, and the chances of success. All very dismal, unrealistic numbers. The only option that seemed remotely affordable and higher success rates was embryo adoption. These are already created embryos from a man and woman who chose in vitro fertilization (IVF). They already have the amount of children they want but there are live embryos still frozen. They then allow the clinic to put those embryos up for adoption. This is basically adoption, but you get to actually go through the pregnancy process. You and your partners name are on the birth certificate.

I tried to research embryo adoption online, but found very little information. Mostly, they were “private” clinics, that were more like adoption agencies in that the donors were apart of the process. Some even had the biological donors screen potential parents. UGH, I did not like what I was finding. When I asked the doctor about why there was so little information, she was very honest in saying it is not a money-making procedure. Hospitals and clinics would rather people go through IVF or other fertility treatments because they make a lot of money from those procedures. I would like to say I’m shocked and appalled that a treating facility would rather make money than help people, but I’m really not surprised.

She reinforced that in the region we live there are major hospitals that offer embryo adoption and the donors are completely out of the picture. The only information you are given are health and ethnicity of the donors. Donors sign away all rights and are not even told if their embryos were adopted or not. I find this reassuring since I’ve seen some standard adoptions go really bad.

For now she recommended two different vitamin supplements, DHEA and CoQ-10. She says that these have been shown to increase woman’s reproductive organs and quality of eggs. She believes I could still get pregnant so all is not lost in that area. The good thing is I have some answers and some choices. The embryo adoption is something my BF and I will need to really talk about considering our current circumstances and what the future may hold. Another really positive aspect of embryo adoption is that it can be done at any age as long as you have a uterus. Now I’m not saying I want to get pregnant after menopause, but I like knowing there is no rush.

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Who wants kids?

I went to my first fertility appointment, as I have been unable to get pregnant since my miscarriage last year. My doctor determined I need to find out what the heck is wrong with me (amongst everything else, woohoo). I have so many mixed feelings buzzing in my head regarding this. For one, I think I will be glad to know for sure if this is a done deal or not. On the other hand, I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready to be told I’m incapable of having children and the choice is out of my hands. What do I do with this knowledge? Do I accept it gracefully (doubtful), mourn the loss of a fully functioning reproductive system (how long will that last), rejoice that I will never have the responsibility or financial drain that children can be?

If I’m never to know the joy or sorrow of raising a genetic piece of me and the person I love, adoption is always an option. If I simply MUST tap into my “maternal instincts” then what will be the consequences/joys of that? I’ve known people on a broad spectrum within the adoption world. I’ve seen children abruptly removed from a loving home due to paperwork errors. Wonderful parents torn apart by trying to raise a drug exposed child that has behavioral problems and learning deficiencies. Adults that were adopted as children that feel loved and supported, while others always feel a sense of rejection and loss. I’ve seen so may posts on Facebook lately of adults with signs searching for biological parents. Would I want someone I dedicated my life to, to grow up feeling incomplete? Could I emotionally handle that?

I don’t know what my capacity of bonding with someone not biologically related to me is. I have a very small circle of friends as I’m not good at maintaining relationships. A large part of that is due to my depression and lack of motivation. What would all of that mess do to some innocent child that needs an adult to serve as role model, guardian, and unconditional love provider. HOLY CRAP!!! Over thinking is fun!