I’ve been visiting WordPress everyday but had not been able to bring myself to post anything. The grueling events that are happening at my job are continuing to erode my ability to function like a proper human being. The annoying symptoms of my depression are preventing me from putting the events of my job into perspective and functioning like a proper human being. Basically I’m not now nor have I been for the last couple days a proper functioning human being.
Yesterday something strange started happening to some of the blogs I follow here on WordPress. Their accounts were getting suspended and they were being accused of abusing certain aspects of WordPress with the intent to Spam other bloggers. In my nonfunctioning irrational state I was really angry this was happening. It didn’t happen to me personally, but this all-encompassing, punish now and sort out the truth later way of doing things reminded me so much of what happens at work, it felt personal. In my head I created all these reasons why such drastic measures were unfounded, over the top and showed poor management of the site.
This bothered me so much I had difficulty falling asleep as I kept composing a scathing blog post I wanted to write regarding the injustice of what WordPress had done etc, etc. I’ve since read today that the bloggers are working it out with WordPress and their account privileges are being restored. Good thing as I’ve forgotten half of what I’m sure were very insightful and powerful things I had wanted to write. Yep, this is what happens when my depression gets angry. It grows, it plots, it plans, it obsesses, it forgets, and it goes back to the pit of despair.
Shout out to Harsh Reality and Storytime with John. I’m glad things are back on track and that my “scathing” post was not needed!!
writing out depression 
When I get depression-angry, I always internalize the anger. It’s weird. Whenever I get angry about something, I turn it on myself. That’s when most of my urges to self-harm come from.
Although I can definitely understand the anger. The suspension of Jason’s account really irks me. Especially since apparently it isn’t possible for one to delete their “Following” of a blog. So once you click Follow, that’s it, you’re in it for good. Over all the time he spends on WordPress, it seems ridiculous that he wouldn’t Follow lots of people. Ugh, so bothersome.
Well, glad you didn’t have to rage out!
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I certainly hear ya when it come to internalizing the anger. That part comes when I forgot what I had wanted to say and then end up not doing anything.
That entire thing with wordpress was unnecessary. I do know you can “Unfollow” people (I’ve had to do it) but you cannot make them Unfollow you. I think the issue was that he “mass” follows and “mass” likes posts. Either way, no one would see anything he posts unless they choose to follow him. If he was a “spam” account, people could just Unfollow him and move on.
Thank you, I’m glad I didn’t have to get all “Hulk” too 🙂
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Ohhhhh I see. Yeah, I don’t understand how that would be a problem. They said that they implemented Following as a way to build community, not to promote. I don’t understand how they could have determined it was the latter rather than the former. Just silliness.
Ah, well, it’s over now!
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I think a lot of people were angry. A good rant is cathartic – even if it is in our heads… it IS hard to actually post those. AND it is also advisable to err on the side of caution in MASS near hysteria and wait to see how things pan out.
I think – it is an internal cautioning mechanism sometimes – SOMETHING stops us. Even in our brilliance.
I used to do that OFTEN – still do… a lot – we know when the time is right to NOT hold back.
After I wrote my post yesterday (And a few other I did NOT post!) I fell asleep writing excellent posts regarding ALL the injustice in the world. I used to get frustrated that I could not keep up with the thoughts in my head, but you know what happened – I started to see those thoughts coming out in other places in the best ways they could – and having SOME form of positive affect on somebody… may just have been something I needed to process to be able to deal with something my kids are dealing with – to help walk them through. Weird how it happens but I think our psyche prepares us like that…by thinking. DRIVES me nits sometimes!! 😉 But – in time – we start seeing the cycle through that skull crushing place – and see WHY we processed it. It helps to not allow us to not get angry with ourselves instead to be grateful that we CAN think and see the stuff we do. Instead of the injustice of the world destroying us at our inability to DO something more than think – we begin to see and learn how it is all building toward our growth to be able to SERIOUSLY be hulk in a way that is positive for us and what we are passionate about.
God this is long! Was not coming on here this evening actually…but I did and your pingback caught my eye at HArsh R. Sorry for the half lecture – I just relate to what you are saying here… plus I LOVE HULK (and the other Avengers I suppose!)
Keep writing as you can – you express yourself well!
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It is always good if we can protect ourselves from ourselves. I have learned over the years it is best to step away from a situation I initially want to angrily lash out at. While I would like to credit myself for that insight, it was not really the case yesterday. I was simply too lazy and depressed to form thoughts into writing. I guess it saved me in the long run.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement! 😉
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But you did instinctively do it… 😛 However it happened. You are welcome. Know the place well.
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Very much appreciated! Personally I like to blog at different times, in that sense you get a different version of yourself – when different emotions are being felt, it can prove interesting!
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Very true, I am a different me in the morning than in the evening.
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Oh me too for sure!
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Just glad everyones blogs can get back to “normal” 🙂
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