Barely Functioning


I’ve had so much to say but no desire to write. I became so discouraged when I learned I didn’t get hired for the position I wanted but not long after I had another interview for a different position. This one didn’t pay as much but would still have been a promotion and out of my current office. It was a great interview; a panel of three asked me the questions. Because it’s a government type job they have to ask very specific questions, but as we talked they would get off topic and ask for more details. This was unlike any of the other government interviews I had ever had. I felt really good after. I know that because there is a lot bureaucratic bullshit they have to go through it can take several weeks before they offer the job. But since they haven’t called any of my references every day that passes I lose hope.

In the meantime life goes on. For as much as I would like to take some time to save some money, relax and maybe go on vacation, unfortunately, that just isn’t going to happen. Our lease is up in July and though we have only been at this location a year, it has been one year too many. This year my foreclosure falls off and I will be able to get out of renting and buy a place. Now, just to find a nice enough place we can afford on just my income. Unfortunately, I live in a state where the real estate market is always high. I would consider moving out of state if it weren’t for my father’s unpredictable health.  I’m ok getting a small place since it’s just the two of us, but the area needs to be safe. It’s maddening that safe = more expensive, but then that’s a whole other tangent.

As July gets closer and we continue to fail at finding a place we like I feel the weight of stress increasing. It’s a tangible pressure on my shoulders that if I’m not careful will stop me from functioning all together. So every day I go to my necessary job, continue to try and eat healthier, walk or do karate and hope that I don’t crumble. I’m now functioning in a constant state of mild anxiety and I just hope that the eating better and being more active gets me though this.


Excuses, excuses

I cannot stand it when people make up excuses! If you don’t want to do something don’t do it. Own up to it and move on. With my depression I’ve had more days than I can remember where I simply didn’t want to do anything. If a friend tried to get me to do something I would tell them I didn’t want to. I would sometimes say I didn’t feel well and that was not a lie, depression feels miserable, but I would not make up an excuse.

As a part of my weight loss plan I started walking during my 20 min breaks at work. I even downloaded an app on my phone to gage my progress, time and distance. My coworker decided she wanted to walk with me and for the first two days she did. On the third day I started picking up my pace. She decided she didn’t want to keep up so she told me to go on ahead, which I did. On the fourth day she was not at her desk at the time I go on break. So I went without her. When I got back she said, “Ohhh did I miss our walk?” I told her she knew where I was if she had wanted to join me. The next day she was expecting a call from her insurance company. I suggested she start walking and stop if they called. She said no and that she would “catch up.” Not only did they never call, she never caught up.

It’s now been two months since I started walking and her excuses have been as follows:

I forgot my walking shoes

I’m exhausted

I got busy

I gotta make a phone call

I’m cramping

My muscles are too sore

I’ve never been a motivator. I can barely motivate myself let alone someone else. I’m not the type of person to push people into doing things even things they should be doing. So I let her know when I’m going and if she joins me that’s fine but if not I don’t care and I don’t care why.

During my journey I also decided to restart my karate training. When I tell my friends I usually hear things like, “I’ve always wanted to do karate” or “I should start going too, it sounds like fun.” But, they NEVER do. And that’s ok, I understand that a lot of things sound great in theory, but when faced with reality it’s another story. Recently, however, one friend actually came. She said she had a great time and agreed to come at least once a week. Since then she has had every excuse ranging from her not feeling well, to her mother (whom she still lives with) not feeling well. Maybe it’s all true. Maybe there are circumstances in life where something always goes wrong on the exact day you plan to do something…every single week. Or, maybe you’re just a schmuck and need to be honest with yourself (and others) and say, “I don’t want to do this.”

The Burden of Knowledge

Sometimes the problem with knowing too much about something is that it takes the fun out of it. This has never been truer for me than with food. I’ve been working hard the last two months to improve my eating habits and be more physically active. One of the best ways to ensure I’m eating well has been to track my daily calorie intake. I have an easy to use app on my phone that has the calorie count for almost every grocery store item, restaurant, and fast food place I’ve been to.

The other day my office was having a going away party for a staff member. The staple of most of our ‘celebrations’ consists of pizza. Not just any pizza but Costco pizza. If you are not familiar with this place it is basically a members only warehouse store. People joke about the 40 roll toilet paper and gallon size aspirin bottles, but it’s no joke. I used to have a membership and I didn’t need to buy toothpaste for over a year. They also happen to sell monster size pizza apparently to go with the monster savings you get for shopping wholesale. The pizza is good, I don’t buy it for home but I’ve had it at several parties over the years.

So, I type in Costco pizza into my handy dandy calorie counter and discover that just one slice of cheese pizza is 699 calories!!!! WHAT?! That’s more than half of what I’m allotted for the entire day! I’ve had pizza from other places since I started this healthy lifestyle change and I expected maybe 300 at the most, so I didn’t bring a lunch. I decide to cut it in half and eat as much salad as I could before I even start on the pizza. In the meantime I’m watching my coworkers scarf down two to three pieces (with tons of toppings) at a time and all I can think is, “Holy crap, that’s over 1500 calories in one sitting.” UGH, talk about a buzz kill.

Then the chocolate mousse cake came out and I think I cried a little.

What have I done?

When I decided to start my 30 day fad diet in Feb I also chose to add an easy activity that would get me moving and hopefully more physically active over all. At work there are several people that bring walking shoes and walk the perimeter of the building during their breaks. When the weather is too hot or windy there is a long stretch of hall way in the back of the building that is always nice and cool. I’ve been walking this hall way everyday during my 20 min breaks and I’ve been pretty proud of the fact that I’ve stuck to for as long as I have.

Today as I’m speed walking in the hall and sweating in my work clothes and tennis shoes, who do I run into? One of the women that interviewed me for the promotion. Fortunately, I knew this woman from before the interview; we had been on a committee together and we would occasionally have pithy conversations when we ran into each other over the years. Initially I just say ‘Hi’ but as she turns the corner for the exit door I stop her. Out of breath I ask, “So, have you already chosen someone for the position?” She says they haven’t and in fact have more interviews this week. Do I simply thank her and say have a nice day? NO, I continue by asking “Well is there anything I can say or do that may tip you over into choosing me?” She laughs and says she cannot be bribed. We both laugh and then I remember what a mess I’m in and embarrassingly say, “Oh I’m not really dressed like this for work, this is just because I’m walking.” She laughs and then says, “You interviewed really well,  I just want you to know that.” Ohhhh that was so incredibly wonderful to hear!! As if I wasn’t out of breath enough already I continue to be ridiculous and joke (I was so out of it I can’t even remember exactly what stupid things I said). Eventually, I give her a sincere thank you and wish her luck in their decision making.

Now I’m shaken but I continue with the last half of my walking break. Just as I’m cooling down and stopping my timer on my phone, the other woman that interviewed me comes out into the hall. Now, neither one of these women work in my office, apparently they were here for a meeting. I give her an awkward greeting since I had only met her during the interview and as she’s clearly in a rush to leave. Do I just leave it at that? HELL NO, I shout, “I don’t normally look like this I’m just working out in the hall way!” WHAT!? What is wrong with me? I’ve never felt so out of control of my own voice before. I’ve had awkward moments in life, but nothing like this. It felt like some other out of breath, sweaty, inappropriately dressed monster took over and decided to have a chat with the managers that interviewed me. She gave me a half smile and continued to run toward the exit.  Aaaaah you gotta love timing.

The good news is, they apparently haven’t made a decision, the bad news is I may have just helped them with their choice…and not in a good way.

The Week After…

It’s been a week since my interview and, maybe I’m just being inpatient, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen.  I tried to focus on my current goals this weekend of eating better and being more active. But, ultimately the idea of getting a new job was just too overwhelming. I attempted to remain realistic, telling myself I did the best I could and that if it doesn’t happen it’s OK. BAH! I don’t know who I was trying to fool. I’ve been wanting to get out of where I am for too long; this interview was like a horrible tease. Since none of my references have been called I’m guessing the position went to someone else and I’m slowly, mentally falling apart. Yesterday, I forced myself to take my dogs on a very long walk in the hopes that physical activity would ease these feelings of disappointment and sadness. I came home, showered, and ended up taking an even longer nap.

It’s lucky I began this “eating healthier thing” before all of this because it’s times like these I would have typically found comfort in some really unhealthy, probably deep fried, foods. I can physically feel the depression starting to set in. Aching all over, more frequent headaches, low tolerance for pretty much everything (my poor BF), desire to sleep more, feeling hopeless and discouraged.

What I wouldn’t give to be like most people during times like these. To simply be disappointed maybe even a bit sad, but without the all consuming thoughts of what I should have or could have done differently weighing me down. Accepting that other opportunities will come along rather than feeling like the biggest, least qualified to do anything looser so why bother trying attitude that keeps creeping up.

I’m debating on contacting one of the people that interviewed me and asking what I could have done differently, or what experience they may have been looking for. Guess I will do that later this week if I can keep it together.

Mantra for the day, “It’s OK, I am OK, keep trying!”FullSizeRender

The Day Before

interview-time-machineMy interview for the promotion is tomorrow morning and I’m trying very hard not to over think and raise my anxiety levels to unhealthy heights.

I’ve done everything I can to prepare. I read everything about the type of work I would be doing, I understand the requirements and how my current skills will be best suited, I updated my resume and references and have them printed on high quality resume paper (fancy cotton stuff), I bought a new interview outfit, I decided to go old school and do a black and white skirt suite with a sensible healed shoe, there is nothing more I need to do but show up 20 min early tomorrow and then answer their questions to the best of my ability.

So tell me friggin anxiety, what good are you doing for me right this very moment?! All you are doing is making it so that I can think of nothing else but what I may do wrong and making my stomach and head ache. You serve no purpose but to make me doubt my qualifications and wonder if they already have someone else in mind for the position.

Sure I may tell myself that if I don’t get the job that it’s OK. The worst that can happen is that it will be business as usual. But ohhh anxiety, you just cannot be satisfied with that can you, you suck monster. You cannot just accept that I will be just fine and the job I currently do is not the torture chamber you like to think it is.

Today will consist of fighting you off with everything I can. I will keep busy and not allow you to consume me. This is too important to me and I won’t allow you to invite your friends depression and self doubt along with you. Suck it anxiety, you are banished from today!!!

I just hope my arsenal of distractions, relaxation techniques, and positive thoughts gets me through this day.

How Heartless Are We?

They get you in the mail, they get you on TV, they get you in the grocery store, and it’s all over Facebook: Guilt! It’s easier to ignore the begging that comes in the mail, I can just throw them away and no one is looking. TV, I’ve learned to hit the mute button whenever I see a child surrounded by flies. But dang it if I don’t feel a twinge of guilt when they ask me at the grocery store if I would like to donate a dollar to some worthy cause. And that’s what they want, guilt. They want the pressure of people looking at you while they ask, “Would you like to help cure cancer by donating $1?” I respond with a, “No thank you” but really, how inappropriate does that sound? It’s like I’m saying, “No I wish there was more cancer and that everyone here would get it, BWAHAHAHAHA!”

Now people enjoy posting guilt notices on Facebook. This way you have the added benefit of not only people watching but these people are your friends and relatives. People have created these posts that try to guilt people into reposting their crap such as; “Post this if you have the best mother in the world” or “Post this if you don’t want children starving and living on the streets”, I’ve even seen, “If you don’t repost this you don’t have a heart” AAAKKKK!!! Really?!!  So now not only do I not think highly enough of my mother, I want children to suffer and therefore clearly have no heart.

Why do people do this? Do people really believe others that repost those pictures are better people? Do they really love their sister/brother more than people that don’t advertise it on Facebook? If it hasn’t already been done perhaps sometime in the future a study will be done. Top scientists will gather countless amounts of data to prove or disprove that those that donate that $1 and repost have the biggest hearts and are clearly superior to those of us that simply ignore that crap and donate when they can to the causes they believe in.

I know, I know Vic, more reasons Facebook is evil 🙂