The other day I found something really funny and laughed out loud. I didn’t recognize the sound it had actually been that long since I laughed. While I have not been deeply depressed I have also not been really happy. I’m perfectly fine with that most of the time as it’s a safer place to be. Typically if I’m experiencing something really amazing at some point I think to myself it will soon be over and life will go on being tedious and drab. While in status quo, things just continue moving forward and predictable, easy and stable.
In my late teens early 20s I was a bit of an adrenaline junky. While I didn’t do anything illegal I did do some risky things and regret a lot of the choices I made regarding relationships. I was constantly searching for ways to be happy. Even if it was fleeting it was at least a break from the overwhelming sadness I was feeling on a daily basis.
After that I had continue to make bad decisions. Now I am living in the aftermath, cleaning up the emotional debris that remains to this day. I can honestly say I will never again be so naïve and desperate. I’ve stopped seeking out the elusive “happy” and started embracing content and safe. Yes, it’s a bit boring, but it’s better than the alternative.
While I, for the most part, appreciate this in my life I’m not advocating this everyone. Most people cannot stand the humdrum and without highs and lows there are no lessons or progressions in life. But I like to think I experienced so many up to this point I can sit back and take an emotional break. This means I don’t experience a whole lot of happy, but I’m also not in the pit of despair. For being an unmedicated, clinically depressed person that’s actually pretty friggin good.