Grief and Anger

This past weekend I found out that my best middle school through high school friend had died in her sleep last week, she was 42. She and I drifted apart a few years after high school due to different life choices. We eventually reconnected after several years and would email updates every so often. I saw her only a handful of times over the years before she finally admitted to avoiding most everyone she knew from her past because she was embarrassed she hadn’t done more with her life.

Like me she suffered from depression. She was ashamed she hadn’t finished college, she hated her unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend, she had several health issues she tried to ignore, and she refused to ever ask for help. The few times she would talk to me about any of these issues, she would vent, cry and I would try to be there for her. I would try to explain that I related to and understood how she was feeling. The self-doubt, shame and mental bashing we put ourselves through. But then she would crawl back into herself and I would not hear from her for another year or two or three.

The person that let me know of her passing had also been a close friend of ours in school. She sent me a message via Facebook asking if I had heard and if I knew what happened to her. Based on her line of questioning I could tell she wanted to know if I thought it was from health issues or suicide. Even she knew either one was a strong possibility.

The reality of this is slowly taking its course. I keep having memories popping into my head of the times we spent together, the mischief we would create and the openness we used to have knowing the other person would always understand and never judge. But everyone experiences depression their own way and over the years she no longer saw me as a confidant.

Right now I’m more angry than anything. I know she believed herself to be a burden no matter what anyone told her. I’m angry that the depression twisted her thoughts and distorted her better judgment. I’m angry that the depression brought her such shame she could no longer recognize anything positive or any of the accomplishments she had in life.

I may never find out for sure what the official cause of death was, but based on how I knew she was living I cannot see it as anything but suicide. It may not have been intentional but the lack of attention to her physical and mental health tells me she had given up a long time ago.

In your honor I will continue to try to bring mental health awareness to others.To those that are suffering from both sides. In your honor I will try remind myself as well as others we are never as alone as we feel. We are not the burden or horrible people our depression is telling us we are. In your honor I will try.

Good bye my friend, until we meet again…

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15 comments

  1. bitofaworrier · January 12, 2015

    Sorry for ur loss. Hugs. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cat · January 12, 2015

    Sorry to hear of your loss

    Liked by 1 person

  3. AWritersParadise · January 12, 2015

    Sorry about the loss. Stay strong. Not all people are meant to be in our life forever.

    Like

    • Jinx · January 13, 2015

      Thank you, it is a tough thing to accept but very true.

      Liked by 1 person

      • AWritersParadise · January 13, 2015

        Jinx, welcome. There are times wherein we have no other choice than to accept what happens.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. asewalson · January 14, 2015

    So very sorry for your loss 😦 My best friend from elementary school passed away on Christmas night. It’s such a shock that rattles you to the core, when someone your own age passes away suddenly. It puts a lot of life into perspective.

    Like

    • Jinx · January 14, 2015

      I’m sorry you had to go though that. It certainly does put life and events into perspective and makes you think about things on a much deeper level.

      Liked by 1 person

      • asewalson · January 14, 2015

        I completely agree. Every bit of time seems more important to me now.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. DiyDaisy · January 15, 2015

    You are a wonderful person, i hope you can fight off the depression. I know these things take time as i almost allowed myself there xx

    Like

    • Jinx · January 16, 2015

      Thank you, I appreciate your kind words and understanding.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. idiotwriter · January 16, 2015

    So sorry for this loss you have faced. You are doing such a good thing here – seriously … so many people are hiding away with their struggles – fearing being judged – AND can;t say I blame them as so many people simply do NOT understand that down spiral. ( I have to mention now that spirals are my favourite things – I know that sounds odd in context but they are incredibly relevant and surround us everywhere! )
    Shedding light on the process you face instead of keeping it in the dark is awesome! – And encouraging for others…
    You sound like a lovely person.

    Like

    • Jinx · January 16, 2015

      Thank you so much and in nature spirals are quite beautiful and interesting. In this case I use spiral because the journey down is never a clear line. It always circles back, leaving me wondering if I’m really headed down or going back up.

      Like

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