Morbid Thoughts

After reading through WordPress this morning I came across a post that inspired me to write out my own experience regarding the same issue. Please check out their post here.

Warning: The following may be triggering due to its graphic account of suicidal thoughts and self harm. Disclaimer: Certainly not all people with depression are suicidal and not all people that are suicidal think the way I do. The following is my personal experience.

This is something I’ve never shared with friends or family because I don’t want to freak them out. These thoughts are, however, passively with me even when my depression isn’t that intense. To be clear these are not things I would do. Wherever I am, whatever my surroundings I imaging how I could end my life. I’ve had these thoughts for so long they seem to just be apart of me. At times I find them oddly comforting in that I feel more in control of my life in general.

It’s easy when I am driving, there are so many bridges, poles, trees, hills, cliffs and valleys. There is a particular over pass that I take quite a lot that I imagine if I didn’t turn into the curve I could just sail right off.

While enjoying the view from a high level hotel room, I always check if the window fully opens. If it doesn’t I figure out how I could open it.

There are plants decorative or wild that I know are extremely poisonous. I wonder if they would make a sweet or bitter tea.

When the temp drops outside I wonder how long I would suffer the pain of the cold before I just went numb and fell asleep.

The list goes on and on. I’m actually a little proud of some of the creative ways I’ve made up regarding everyday things. Some methods are more violent than others. I prefer the quickest less messy ones. I also take into account that no one else would be physically harmed by my actions.

I realize I may be writing some pretty morbid things in a very casual manner. I understand that for most this is not a normal way of thinking. People may actually be alarmed, appalled, or disgusted. Why would anyone want to think this way? How can such things be considered ‘OK’? But this is my reality. I’ve learned how to cope with these thoughts and not let them control me. Suicide should never be considered taboo to talk about. When society believes that the best way to solve a problem it to ignore it that is a sure fire way that problem never gets solved. Those that have genuine suicidal thoughts will have nowhere to turn. Where there is no outlet, no support, there is no hope. My intent is that by sharing my own experiences I can perhaps normalize what others may be going through. I also hope that those that don’t experience suicidal thoughts learn what others may be dealing with.

So if someone makes a bold statement in a joking manner like, “I could just drive right off that bridge” the best response would not be “You shouldn’t talk/think like that,” but instead, “Sure you could, but I would hope you would talk to me first so we could work through what’s bothering you together.”

If you are feeling suicidal and they are not passive thoughts, please call 1-800-273-8255. If someone you know is suicidal, always take it seriously. If you cannot help them please provide them the toll free number and let someone that can help know.

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15 comments

  1. Natalie · January 4, 2015

    I have had CBT to help control thoughts very similar… I learnt that although they can be distressing, they are thoughts and I cannot control them, I can however control my actions from these thoughts. Knowing this is enough to usually keep me safe. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • jinx0923 · January 4, 2015

      Really glad CBT has helped you! Control is key that is for sure 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Just Plain Ol' Vic · January 4, 2015

    Great post. I think we all fantasize about things to a certain degree. The challenge is to recognize when it becomes obsessive and potentially self harming!

    Like

    • jinx0923 · January 4, 2015

      Absolutely! When the passive thoughts become consuming or turn into a plan that is for sure a time to seek help!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Christopher Likins · January 4, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your story. I had hoped that something witty would come to me complimenting your self awareness and acceptance. Instead I’ll settle for supporting your message of open dialogue and support being essential for introduction to the common vernacular. If you fight, supress, and hide a part of yourself it can only worsen your situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • jinx0923 · January 5, 2015

      I appreciate your comment and thank you so much for your support.

      Like

  4. tripleclicka · January 5, 2015

    Beautifully honest.

    Like

  5. tripleclicka · January 5, 2015

    I have to take my comment further. I have had a time in my life when I felt this way. My perspective changed when I realized that suicide will always be an option. However, once done, living is no longer an option. I like to keep my options open and so, I started to feel it was a safety net for if I ever wanted to bail out. The simple safety of knowing I could, like checking to see if a window will open.

    Liked by 1 person

    • jinx0923 · January 5, 2015

      I appreciate your comment and thank you for sharing your personal experience. I think that is exactly what it has become for me, a safety. As I mentioned, there is a sense of control that comes with those twisted thoughts and that is how it works for me.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Crisisalive · January 5, 2015

    Very helpful words! And I truly feel that it needs to be talked about more, not just internalized. There are probably quite a number that understand and feel the same way. It was great that you posted the phone number as well. A sincere thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

    Like

  7. Bor Bor Igmus · January 5, 2015

    Thank you for that post, Jinx. Your posts are always powerful and give me new insights.

    Like

    • jinx0923 · January 7, 2015

      I appreciate you saying that! I’m glad they provide you with something positive 🙂

      Like

  8. fishrobber69 · January 6, 2015

    I think this is a very brave post. It takes fortitude to admit you have these thoughts without feeling the need to take action on them. … I know I’m not the only one who has the same experience, but it is comforting when someone else says it too. I see the same things while driving, and I have thought about what I would do when I have had enough. Getting those thoughts out in writing has certainly helped me over the years. … I’m fortunate to have a friend who confided in me the same type of thoughts, and she knew I wouldn’t overreact and call someone when she was just getting the thoughts out of her mind. I’m glad she trusted me to listen.

    Like

    • jinx0923 · January 7, 2015

      Thank you. While I am typically pretty open with friends and family this is one aspect I tend not to share. It felt good getting it out in writing and I’m pleased that there has been such a positive response. It all makes this blog so much more worthwhile for me to write.

      Like

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