After reading through WordPress this morning I came across a post that inspired me to write out my own experience regarding the same issue. Please check out their post here.
Warning: The following may be triggering due to its graphic account of suicidal thoughts and self harm. Disclaimer: Certainly not all people with depression are suicidal and not all people that are suicidal think the way I do. The following is my personal experience.
This is something I’ve never shared with friends or family because I don’t want to freak them out. These thoughts are, however, passively with me even when my depression isn’t that intense. To be clear these are not things I would do. Wherever I am, whatever my surroundings I imaging how I could end my life. I’ve had these thoughts for so long they seem to just be apart of me. At times I find them oddly comforting in that I feel more in control of my life in general.
It’s easy when I am driving, there are so many bridges, poles, trees, hills, cliffs and valleys. There is a particular over pass that I take quite a lot that I imagine if I didn’t turn into the curve I could just sail right off.
While enjoying the view from a high level hotel room, I always check if the window fully opens. If it doesn’t I figure out how I could open it.
There are plants decorative or wild that I know are extremely poisonous. I wonder if they would make a sweet or bitter tea.
When the temp drops outside I wonder how long I would suffer the pain of the cold before I just went numb and fell asleep.
The list goes on and on. I’m actually a little proud of some of the creative ways I’ve made up regarding everyday things. Some methods are more violent than others. I prefer the quickest less messy ones. I also take into account that no one else would be physically harmed by my actions.
I realize I may be writing some pretty morbid things in a very casual manner. I understand that for most this is not a normal way of thinking. People may actually be alarmed, appalled, or disgusted. Why would anyone want to think this way? How can such things be considered ‘OK’? But this is my reality. I’ve learned how to cope with these thoughts and not let them control me. Suicide should never be considered taboo to talk about. When society believes that the best way to solve a problem it to ignore it that is a sure fire way that problem never gets solved. Those that have genuine suicidal thoughts will have nowhere to turn. Where there is no outlet, no support, there is no hope. My intent is that by sharing my own experiences I can perhaps normalize what others may be going through. I also hope that those that don’t experience suicidal thoughts learn what others may be dealing with.
So if someone makes a bold statement in a joking manner like, “I could just drive right off that bridge” the best response would not be “You shouldn’t talk/think like that,” but instead, “Sure you could, but I would hope you would talk to me first so we could work through what’s bothering you together.”
If you are feeling suicidal and they are not passive thoughts, please call 1-800-273-8255. If someone you know is suicidal, always take it seriously. If you cannot help them please provide them the toll free number and let someone that can help know.