Regret is a heavy and useless thing to carry around. At least with remorse there is a possibility of apology, or some kind reconciliation. To me regret, stems from a choice or choices made that in no way can be altered. The deed is done and the consequences must be lived with.
It’s all well and good for others to say, “Live life with no regrets” or “I regret nothing because my choices made me who I am today.” Good for them, hurray they can be proud of who they are and where they are in life.
Mentally I know regret is pointless, I tell myself nothing can be done and I need to move on. I’ve done mental exercises to alleviate regret in the hopes of seeing the silver lining that I’m sure is there somewhere. But 15+ years later I still cannot let it go.
I made stupid choices, I was carless, I can never make amends. That time was such an enormous turning point for me that I’ve no doubt I would be a different person had I just been smarter. Would I be happier, I don’t know. With clinical depression there’s just no telling. The problem is I use that time in my life to perpetuate the self-loathing I struggle with so often. The unknown is always brighter than the reality.
There are people that I miss so much from that time long ago. But as time passes people change, who knows if they are at all the same. Just looking at Facebook I can see the radical changes some people’s lives have taken. Would they still be a part of my life had I lived life differently? I made up this silly poem as I remembered the past:
I miss the You of yesteryear
I miss the You of then not now
I miss the You of might have been
You are not the You I knew
Nor will you ever be again
And then it became:
I miss the Me of yesteryear
I miss the Me of then not now
I miss the Me of might have been
I am not the Me I knew
Nor will I ever be again
Then I cried.