I’ve been exploring WordPress a lot lately, specifically blogs related to depression. So many people write about having a combination of depression with anxiety. Initially, I felt very different than these bloggers because I don’t believe I currently suffer from anxiety. I am overly sensitive, I do experience irrational fears, distorted thoughts, but I don’t have the panic I read so much about. But as I began exploring my childhood I realized anxiety may have been an early component. I remember so many late nights I would become overwhelmed with fear, become sick to my stomach and shake. I was so young I didn’t know how to express what I was going through other than the physical symptoms. My poor mother would stay awake with me while I shook and cried uncontrollably on the toilet with a bucket in front of my face for vomit that never came. Trying to remember exactly what would trigger these episodes I believe ranged from fear of loved ones dying to fear of friends still being my friends when I went to school the next day.
Have I grown out the anxiety? I don’t think so. Whatever it is I believe it is still a part of me but has manifested into other traits. It seeps out in other unhealthy and intrusive ways.
I over think. I will replay scenarios in my head from years sometimes decades ago and still have regret, embarrassment, sadness, and or anger attached to it. I will replay what happened, then think of all the ways it should have happened. Most of the scenarios would be considered by most to be inconsequential. Things others wouldn’t even remember the next day, let alone eons later. I’ve no idea what makes these specific incidents stand out so much. There have been other similar incidents in my life that don’t have the same effect and I forget about it. It’s all very random and annoying.
I do have an irrational fear of failure. I don’t take a lot of risks when it comes to people, learning new things or employment. When I do take risks there is a LOT of anxiety, but I think some fear and anxiety is normal when it comes to new things. I could be wrong.
I always have to have a plan. I’m flexible within a plan, but without an initial plan I don’t want to undertake the journey or task. If I’m forced into a situation that has no plan I become angry, irritated and do anything in my power to create one. Maybe I’ve just accommodated my anxiety. Maybe I just forced myself to adapt. Will I over think this as well? Of course!
Right now I have no answers. I’ve never explored this with an objective purpose. I’ve used words like “uptight”, a bit OCD, “set in my ways”, and of course depressed to describe the way I am. And so the exploration of me continues. I’m grateful for others who blog freely and honestly about their experiences. It has helped me learn more about myself and normalized much of what I experience. I hope mine may do the same for others as well.