Friends, what are they good for?

I have very few friends and none I would consider a “best friends.” The few friendships I somehow maintain are all people I’ve worked with. Only one or two of them are aware of my battle with depression but not the severity. I attempted to get a few of them together to help me through what was an extremely depressing time. I was turning 40 and the weight of that age was excruciating. I had sent a mass text letting them know I was needing some support. I didn’t want a party I just wanted to socialize and be with people I enjoyed. Initially ideas were coming in, while others were too busy with other plans. I was fine with that just as long as at least one person showed they cared and made an effort. In the end, no one did. I messaged again that apparently everyone was too busy and maybe we could get together the following month.The responses were minimal, I was heart broken.

For as depressed as I was, it took a ton of effort for me to even try. Every fiber of my being wanted to try and ignore my impending birthday, crawl in a hole and disappear. But I didn’t. I grabbed that sliver of hope and asked for help from people I love and trust. They may as well have beaten me to death.

The following month I attempted to remove my depression blinders and recognize that people do have their own lives to lead. They get busy and it’s not always personal. I sent out another message, this time something more specific we could all do. Not only was I met with declines but some just ignored it.

Ok, so are these people still my friends? Were they ever? Why am I putting myself into situations where I keep getting rejected. Screw these people I don’t need them anyway!! They can all go to HELL!!!!!

At this point I don’t know if I’m overreacting to this continued rejection. Is it more intense because of my depression and I don’t have any other friends I can count on or vent to? Whatever the case may be, the reality is, I feel like a rejected piece of shit.

Advertisements

One comment

  1. listentothebabe · November 1, 2014

    i posted this poem for a friend that recently committed suicide. i miss her. and i didn’t know she was suffering. i’m sure someone cares. http://listentothebabe.com/2014/10/31/street-graffiti-2/

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s