Today I failed as a productive human being. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed and do what is expected of me. I created all kinds of justifications and rationalization. I even made bargains with myself, if I don’t do this then I have to do that instead. My coping methods are cracking and this is the result.
Now as I stare at this screen, feeling guilty that I’m doing nothing, I think back on coping methods that have helped me in the past. I’ve immersed myself in reading. I discovered authors like Laurell K Hamilton and Gena Showalter and bought every single book from their series. Complete fantasy, decadence, and erotica. I would read for hours sometimes days at a time. But looking back I’m not sure this was the healthiest of choices. I spent a lot of money and did nothing but eat, read, and sleep. I was escaping reality and it was such a better place.
I’ve tried crafts like jewelry making, origami, sculpting, needle felting, and painting. With these I would also become borderline obsessed. I would buy everything needed to do each craft. Rather than take formal classes (I took art in high school and ceramics in college. I’m practically a pro right?), I would go online or read books on how to do each one. Now, I’m not diagnosed bipolar, but during these times I would feel very inspired. I loved creating and I could stay on the same task for hours and hours. The problem with these is that they were also expensive, and after a few weeks my interest would start to wane. Once my abilities were stretched to their limits I couldn’t bring myself to learn beyond them. So I would just stop.
As of now, I’ve found no new escapes/coping methods. I enjoy writing things out, but it’s not time-consuming enough. And if I wrote as obsessively as I did those other activities I’m fearful of all the crap that would come out of this messed up head. My motivation is low and finding an external resource is nearing impossible. So, the search continues…