Now what?

I feel like I’m trying to function normally in a nightmare. I feel emotionally defeated and overwhelmed with sadness. Amidst everything, my boyfriend was fired from his job. It wasn’t a huge paying position, but it helped ease the burden of expenses. When I got the news my mind automatically went into panic mode. I listed everything that could be deemed disposable expenses, e.g. Netflix, snack foods, eating out, etc. Surly if we have no life, no enjoyment we will save money. But then as I continued brainstorming I realized, we already don’t do all that much. We’ve stopped taking vacations, we rarely go to the movies, and we don’t even take day trips. Once we take away these small pleasures, what do we have? The only reason I didn’t list the cable is because the penalty for cancelling the contract early is too expansive. So…we will have TV. What’s the purpose of working, eating, breathing, existing if there is no fulfillment? What are we striving for? Possible better days ahead, maybe some happiness, hopefully satisfaction? The problem with depression is I don’t see the possibilities, I just see more of the same.

I envy those that are strengthened by their faith, that have naturally optimistic personalities, that believe things will always get better. I hear them talking, or see their posts and wonder what that must be like. I get that everyone has bad days or struggles, but most don’t drown in them. Their heads stay above the water. I feel like I’m just sitting at the bottom waiting to die.

On a more positive note, my father is taking a more serious roll in his safety. They are having a nurse come to their home to check on him and he has ordered a wheelchair. This appears to be progress and I’m relieved he may have finally taken my pleads to him seriously. He still calls on my BF to assist him, but to go to medical appointments not because he’s fallen.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I had an appointment with the fertility specialist. She ordered blood work that could test the functionality of my ovaries. It had to be drawn at a very specific time during my menstrual cycle. I was able to do the blood work last week and will follow-up with her near the near the end of this month. She will let me know if treatment is necessary or if I should consider other options.

Now that my BF isn’t working perhaps it’s a good thing we don’t have a child. UGH, Ok that was a sucky attempt at trying to look at the positive. If I had a child I would make it work. I may suck over all, but when it comes to those I love, I do everything in my power to ensure they are cared for. Just ask my dogs. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t get dressed most weekends. But because I know they need socialization and exercise, I get my sorry ass dressed and take them to the dog park. And this is why I need to write more. I need reminders that I’m not the horrible, awful, pathetic human being I feel like most of the time. Now if life would just stop sucking…

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