Typically after long weekends it’s inevitable I’m asked, “what did you do this weekend?” My usual answer is, “not much just took it easy.” Most people find this answer acceptable and interpret it to mean I rested after what they assume was a busy week. I hear things like, “oh sometimes it’s nice to do nothing”, “lucky you! Wish I could have relaxed but I was just so busy going to parties and hanging with friends.” What my answer actually means is I was feeling too depressed and therefore too lazy to make plans let alone execute them. I can go for days with nary a glimpse of the outside world. Not because I’m in need of down time, but simply because I’m too down.
My lack of motivation is very unhealthy both for my physical and mental well-being. Does this help me that I know this? No. I actually work in the mental health field. And nothing says “giant hypocrite” like me telling a client what they can do to help them through their mental health issues.
Having the answers, knowing how the system works, understanding the symptoms, knowing I cannot talk away or rationalize the symptoms, none of these things make living with depression any easier. In fact, I think it makes it worse. It’s because I have all this knowledge that I constantly tell myself that I should know better. I know better than to wallow alone in front of the computer or TV. I know that I need to be physically active. And when I don’t do what I think I should I mentally chastise myself for doing everything wrong and start the cycle again. UGH how friggin sick is that?!