I went to my first fertility appointment, as I have been unable to get pregnant since my miscarriage last year. My doctor determined I need to find out what the heck is wrong with me (amongst everything else, woohoo). I have so many mixed feelings buzzing in my head regarding this. For one, I think I will be glad to know for sure if this is a done deal or not. On the other hand, I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready to be told I’m incapable of having children and the choice is out of my hands. What do I do with this knowledge? Do I accept it gracefully (doubtful), mourn the loss of a fully functioning reproductive system (how long will that last), rejoice that I will never have the responsibility or financial drain that children can be?
If I’m never to know the joy or sorrow of raising a genetic piece of me and the person I love, adoption is always an option. If I simply MUST tap into my “maternal instincts” then what will be the consequences/joys of that? I’ve known people on a broad spectrum within the adoption world. I’ve seen children abruptly removed from a loving home due to paperwork errors. Wonderful parents torn apart by trying to raise a drug exposed child that has behavioral problems and learning deficiencies. Adults that were adopted as children that feel loved and supported, while others always feel a sense of rejection and loss. I’ve seen so may posts on Facebook lately of adults with signs searching for biological parents. Would I want someone I dedicated my life to, to grow up feeling incomplete? Could I emotionally handle that?
I don’t know what my capacity of bonding with someone not biologically related to me is. I have a very small circle of friends as I’m not good at maintaining relationships. A large part of that is due to my depression and lack of motivation. What would all of that mess do to some innocent child that needs an adult to serve as role model, guardian, and unconditional love provider. HOLY CRAP!!! Over thinking is fun!